After writing that piece on Monday, I have been watching my days quite intently and I noticed another weird thing… I am SO used to being at my own recognisances that, even when I am required to work a half day for really good pay, I actually find myself getting resentful.
It’s amazing how much being committed to a job for 5 hours every day can play havoc with ones normal self-employed routine (like shopping for example). But what surprised me more was how annoyed I was getting about this. I mean, really???
The Writing Life
On the other hand it also explains why often I find myself thinking about day to day issues very differently to my so-called peers. My daily experience is literally removed from the average 40-something, white South African adult. I keep different hours, I have different concerns, I allocate my time very differently and do different things with my money. This difference in behaviour has resulted in attitudes and habits that are also different. And I am realised makes me a bit of a pain in the ass, and a bit hard for some people to understand.
It strikes me that I finally have come to firmly believe that I can do whatever I want. My realistic expectation is that I shall succeed at anything I put my mind to doing. I can monitor how well my decisions and direction changes have come to pass and the truth is that, given the endless resource of my own time and energy, I can make whatever I decide to do work. Recorded fact. So I approach what I am currently embarked on with a dry and certain courage. Doubts simply do not bother me anymore. I may not have a clear understanding of HOW this is going to work out, nor its ultimate final form, but I know that it is going to happen.
Don David Quixote
This is a massive change from the undecided, uncertain graduate of the School of Invisibility that I have spent much of my life being and I am very grateful for that. I am also grateful to my family for the support that has made that change possible and to the wise friends who have supported and guided me over the years. Especially the last few years while I was tilting at my biggest windmill of all: writing.
I now know what I will be doing for the rest of my life. A feeling I have never had before. But no, I cannot tell you in detail what that will look like except to say, I will be out here somewhere, looking at things differently because I will be living differently. This is part of what gives me what I have and I cherish it.
I have just over two weeks left in the block of flats where I have lived for 5 years. I am excited and nervous to leave. Both tell me I am making the right decision. Looking forward to it, thanks!