The hint of new adventures always has a way of changing your perspective on things. For me, I have realised that I have become quite jaded and bitter. My patience has worn thin. I can see why. What I have chosen to do has little precedent, there is no established path or method. I have let it get to me. This is perhaps the main reasons why I am choosing to take a little break, to step out the traffic for a while. For me. Not because of anything else. Just for me.
Today I wrote chapter 48 of my novel Johannesburg. The last chapter. I am not finished however, but possibly because of my own imminent leavings, I had this urge to know how it ends! You see, I have never really known until this point. Yesterday I was working on chapter 42 and I realised that I needed to know where it ends. The last 9 chapters are of course massively significant. I needed to cue them up right. I needed to write the end so I can adjust that final course, the run up.
Weird feeling though ending a novel I will still get up and write tomorrow. A bit like the fact that i will have to get up here in Johannesburg tomorrow myself even though to all intents and purposes, my current life here is basically complete… barring crossing some I’s and dotting some T’s.
I can’t change the past or people’s minds. Apologising will change nothing. Asking for apology less so. The time for plans is over. I am OK with what has been here for the last 10 years, the good, the bad and the ugly. I didn’t ever intend to be leaving. This in many ways is as much of a surprise to me as it may be to you. Am I coming back? I think so. I don’t know when though. There is a grand adventure out there with my name on it is all I know. Well OK, maybe a boring adventure, I really don’t know. I might be back in 6 months.
This is colouring my writing of course. It’s interesting because it is almost as if somehow, somewhere, I DID always understand this would happen. My characters seem built for this. In the words of The Editors, “Even an end has a start.” The end of my novel IS a start… for me, and for the characters and the book itself. A whole journey starts for IT now: rewrite, edit, polish, final edit and somewhere down the line, seeing the light of day. Maybe through a publisher, maybe through my own hand again… I don’t know!
I am glad of the not-knowing. I have had enough of my grand plans. So, here’s to tomorrow. Let’s drink to that. Hell I know its Tuesday, let’s drink to that!