The process of writing about yourself, your life and experiences, while not experiencing anything particularly new or innovating is in itself quite an experience. Looking at my list of what I have blogged thus far in ‘The Story Thus Far’ and the rough notes I have made about new things to blog on leaves me cold… what is there to say?
This is a work in process a veritable moving target. It would be easier say, if I was aiming to become a very particular thing, or demonstrate some particular point. But neither of these things is true. In fact the opposite is true: I have deliberately cut myself off from the path I was pursuing. This is not the same as giving it up. Rather I have relinquished control. In order to really relinquish control I have to an extent give up on desire. For from desire I can manipulate every situation should I choose.
I have realised that the last 5 years have been spent controlling outcomes. Identifying goals and working towards one specific reality to the exclusion of all other possible realities. This is what we do as human beings. We decide what we want and we go after it. This is true of the cynic as much as the optimist. But if this is totally true, then what we get is the sum total of our expectations. Not just the one we applied ‘The Secret’ to. What we get is a manifestation of the sum total of who we are, HOW we think WHAT we think and WHY.
I am not the smartest guy around or the most self-effacing but even I have realised that a lot of the WHY’s that I think about things the way that I do cannot really be trusted. Therefore I am suspicious to an extent of WHAT I want and HOW I get it. Hence this walking away…
So. Do I want to write? Yes I do. Am I happy with what I have achieved so far? Yes I am. Do I regret any of it? No I don’t. BUT what I have realised this that the future I was pursuing is coloured by my past ion ways that will end up perpetuating a lot of the bad stuff in my life as well as the new good I have achieved. There are so many other options. If I let my programming run, I suspect I will just get more of what I have had before. This is why I have disengaged at a time when many might deem it foolish when I am, perhaps, about to ‘break out’ or really get somewhere. Whatever those things really mean.
What do novels and books MEAN in a digital age of brevity and integrated audio visual multi-media experiences? What does being published mean in a world of 99c Amazon self published overnight successes? What does writing mean in an environment where language and meaning are morphing daily? And why am I attaching a notion of success and self-worth that is inextricably related to MY relationship with these things that comes from my past in a world where likely these values no longer exist?
In an attempt to answer at least some of these questions I have detached from as many of those day to day values as I can and set myself adrift in a world where not much of it means anything. Watching which version of myself my ego then seeks to portray has been amusing, frustrating and alienating. But encouragingly, observing how my levels of tranquillity and peace have increased is rewarding.
Soon this journey will become about being in different places and cultures as I start to move around a lot more than the last 3months. Soon concerns will move to more exterior matters. But like everything, as it is within so it is without and so it is without, so it is within. I actually have no idea what is going to happen next. More importantly from my point of view, I no longer have a real idea of what I WANT to happen next. With this I am very pleased.